My Name in Lights

I wrestle with myself a lot. I wrestle mostly with my pride. The battle rages more often then I’d like to admit. My mind races with questions about my appearance and my motives. Am I doing this to be seen of men, to be praised of men? Do I want my name in lights?

What I am usually pretty decent at is keeping the arrogant self-righteous comments in my head. They don’t make it past the dirty thought stage. Some things slip out. I often wonder about my actions. Do they ooze meek, faithful, humility or do they scream, “Look at me pagan! You want a piece of me?”

“For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.” (Galatians 6:3)

I believe the Lord has blessed me with a bit of “walking circumspectly”. I can observe, put it through the meat grinder of analysis, and draw some pretty good conclusions for myself. I have a lot of “Note to Self:” moments. Note to Self: don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do that. Or Note to Self: That is how we do it! Save that one for later. I’m going to use that! Motives and blind spots are harder to figure.

What are my blind spots? Am I as arrogant as that guy? Because that guy is full of himself and seemingly can’t help it. Do I look too big for my britches? Do any of us realize when we’re arrogant? Do you ever think, “Does he know what that sounds like to the rest of us?” We observe leaders who use words and phrases that say to everyone, “I am in charge. I am the decision maker. My opinions are the best.” Others, who out of one side of their mouth say, “I’m humble. I value your input.” Out of the other side you can see and hear how much they relish talking about how awesome they are, one-upping everyone, being in charge and powerful. Others are egomaniacs. Others are what I like to describe as “absolute in their opinions.”

I wish I was above all of this but I wrestle with it. How can I lead well and not act this way? How can I be a genuine servant leader who washes others feet - not a fake servant leader who only does the fun stuff and watches everyone else work or serve me? I want to be the guy who works with my mind, my words, and my hands. One who leads well, serves tables, visits the fatherless and widows in their afflictions, remodels the house, teaches, preaches, folds laundry, coaches men and women in their walk, cooks dinner, vacuums and mops all with my mind on the Gospel and the Gospel on my mind. How can I truly minimize “the arrogant misogynist” tendencies?

One of the realities of being me is that, for the most part, I get to do with my time exactly what I want to do. What I care about I get to. What I don’t care about I try to avoid. Although that may be true to some degree for everyone, I know that my wife does not realize the same freedom that I do. My pride may say, “those are the lives that we have chosen.” My humility may say, “how can we balance the scales of our marriage fairly and actively work toward that end every day?” The battle rages.

I said something recently in a discussion about roles and responsibilities and Jill taunted, “I think you might be a chauvinist.” I thought, “You know very little of chauvinism if you think I am a chauvinist.” Names and faces streamed through my mind of real chauvinists she could be married to or working with. I laughed right out loud. The “you don’t know what you are talking about” kind of laugh, that makes my wife want to take my eyes out with a rusty screwdriver.

I think about what gets me puffed up. What can cause me to get too high? Pride can be very dirty but all words of praise are not filthy or harmful. Sometimes a pat on the back can be used by our Lord in a very positive way. Encouraging words are like “cold waters to a thirsty soul” and “sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” God can use those words of encouragement to get us out of pits, to motivate us to finish our course, to simply and beautifully be light of joy in dark depressing moments.

I remember when I first started teaching. It was something I consumed like cookie dough ice cream. I devoured cartons in one sitting. I knew I could study and prepare well. It would just flow but I was a novice. My inexperience was evident but so was my zeal. What boosted me was men’s words of encouragement. If no one had ever encouraged me I may have tried something else and my path may have been completely different. Those same encouraging words can also feed my pride. The battle rages!

I remember when my name appeared for the first time on the preaching schedule for our Men’s Prayer Meeting. I think it was late 2003. There was no warning and no one asked me if I wanted to. The leader had decided, Lord willing, I was ready. As I sat there in the last pew on the right side of the chapel, my whole body warmed and I had permagrin. Men gave me all kinds of encouraging words. I don’t remember exactly what I did as I left the chapel that night but I probably pumped my clenched fist confidently like Jordan after the game winning shot, whispering, “Yesssss! Like Marv Albert. Confidence and acceptance are so awesome. Even now, all these years later, I get an overwhelming jolt of awesome when my name appears on the schedule to preach. “They still love me!”

I remember one of the men’s conferences I preached at a long time ago. I think the title of the message was “Draw Nigh to God” but I remember very little from the message itself. Encouraging words from men followed. The only reason I remember this event is because there was a man there that was impacted by the message. He always thinks of me and even looks at me and smiles when we’re together and someone utters the words, “draw nigh to God...” because something I said that night had a good effect on him. On a Tuesday that knowledge is an encouraging thought. On a Wednesday it may fuel my pride.

Sometimes my head gets so big that our Lord needs to pop it. He has to remind me, that when the Spirit uses me - the Spirit brings the increase - not me. If I can stay balanced the Lord can truly use me. Otherwise you may be saying, “Remember Pete Farrell? He was on fire. Where did he go?” Or worse, “Look how far he fell.” My best friend is the only person who has ever told me how lame a message was or how inappropriate my conversation was, and boy can she burst my bubble! I say this out of a thankful heart. Without good critics, going unchecked in our journey, we can become entrenched in some of our worst traits. Sometimes I’m on top of the world after I get to preach and she’ll remind me that if anything good came from that message it was of Him and through Him and To Him. But the sweetest time for me is praying and fasting and repenting and studying and writing and then out comes the unction from on high. And if I’m right with God I don’t steal His glory.

“But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.” (James 4:6)

Sadly, it can get me at every turn. In our church we elect eight deacons to our 24 member board of deacons each year to serve three year terms. The man with the most votes is one of our three trustees. I was the trustee a few years ago. Then our constitution was changed. No longer was the trustee the one who received the most votes. The deacons would vote for one of the newly elected deacons to be trustee. The last time around for me I was not voted as the trustee by the deacons. I was disappointed. The hardest part for me was wrestling with why it disappointed me so much. It’s not like they voted for a slob. The other guy is a fantastic man. One of the best men you’ll ever meet - a genuine, mature, humble man of God. This is not a story of deserving or stolen elections :) This is a story of this poor man’s pride. Every once in a while, the thought comes to mind, “I should have been the trustee.” I want to slap myself. What is wrong with me? Why do I think this way? “We wrestle not against flesh and blood.”

“Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18)

Arrogant self-righteous prigs drive me crazy. I want to throat punch some people. I think, man, you did not get beat up as much as you should have as a young man. I bet you deserved it but mommy always came to your rescue - creating this priceless gem. But then I think, maybe I are one... I think more highly of myself than I should. In the same hour I can be the humblest man on the planet, sacrificing anything, as well as an arrogant self-righteous prig.

I remember reading through the Bible for the first time and discovering that pride is not so good. Saying things like, “I’m so proud of you!” is awkward. Why does God care so much about pride? Does God really care or am I wet behind the ears? We train our kids to do things for themselves. Then we try to train them to allow God to do it. They are not mutually exclusive. Figuring out how to allow God to be in control while not being a lazy slob is paramount to a fruitful life in Christ. His will be done. Not mine. I do what He wants. I do what he wills. What’s the difference between pride and raising our young men to be hard working (instead of lazy, fatalistic slobs), independent (instead of dependent on mommy), motivated (instead of blaming everyone else for everything)? I think it’s who gets the glory. Am I above God or is He my strength for everything?

I want my kids to work hard, get along with people, be top performers and be driven but I also want them to be the humblest people I know.

Our name in lights (or money) is what drives a lot of our passions and ingenuity and desire to grow. It’s not a terrible thing but it certainly can be. From starting a business to making your career to representing your family name to representing Christ - making sure that your name is a good name is a good thing but if my motivation is primarily my self-promotion it can be incredibly damaging to my walk with Christ.

Our Lord told us that our power and strength for good comes from Him: “I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

Can we do something awesome for the Kingdom, turn the world around us upside down for Him, while avoiding the trappings of our pride? Time will tell.

“I don’t need my name in lights, I don’t need a starring role. Why gain the whole wide world, if I’m gon’ lose my soul?”