On a Hill, On Top of a Mountain

I love to read books! If time and responsibilities weren’t an issue, I could easily spend the whole day in bed reading.

I enjoy a story that starts in the present time and slowly works its way forward filling me in on the details of the past. That is how I would like to start. I would like to tell our story by starting with the present, today.

Today I attended my youngest son’s Service Plan Review. We are in the process of adopting him out of Foster Care. Every six months we meet to review his progress and goals. I sat around a table with seven Early Intervention professionals and therapists. We started the meeting by introducing ourselves by name and sharing what was our role in his life. “My name is Jill Farrell, and I am his foster mom.” That was easy enough. The next step was to give a brief review of how he is doing as far as progress and goals from our perspective and unique role. This time around I didn’t do as well. I started out okay, but quickly found my emotions getting the best of me. And of course, the tears. He has been sick and has not been eating well. When he doesn’t feel well his progress is slow. So, at that table, in front of these ladies, I cried, I shared my disappointment and my fears. I quickly found my myself stuttering trying to apologize for being so emotional. “It’s just that he had been doing so well and now this setback. Another setback.” His kind and encouraging physical therapist reassured me, “It is okay to be emotional. He is your son…”

He is my son. My baby boy. Oh, how I love him! He is sweet and gentle. His smile lights up a room. His giggle is contagious. He is adored by his sisters. He causes his big brothers to smile each and every time they see him! His Dad is his best friend. I find them snuggled together, hanging out every night.

The Early Intervention team is right. This setback, is only a setback, not his whole story. He has had setbacks before only to amaze us with progress the very next week. His little life has been bombarded with setbacks but it has NOT stopped him. His name means; Exalted, strong. Lofty, high mountain.

I start to remember how far we have come in the last year. The Lord has been leading, guiding, and protecting us every step of the way and He will not stop now. The Lord was pursuing me, leading me and guiding me when I didn’t even know it. He was and has and is preparing me for every mountain, every setback, every victory. When I am weak, He is strong. When I forget, He is faithful. This baby boy was a gift from God when I wasn’t even watching for His goodness. It was on the way up a mountain in Haiti that He started to whisper His plan to me.

I would like to share a journal entry with you from that trip…

I have been home in Rochester, NY for one day. I look out my bedroom window and everything is covered in a blanket of white. This place I call “home,” is so different, in every way, from the place I just left behind.

My mind is filled with thoughts of Haiti; the people, the sights, the smells. After just having spent seven days there, I can no longer see things here in my home the same as I previously had. This is going to be a struggle for me.

Why do I have so much? Why did I not notice it before? I sit here and ponder the word abundance. Webster’s dictionary says the definition is: an ample quantity, affluence, wealth, plentifulness. I look around my home, filled with stuff, and my heart aches. It is clear to me that my abundant life, with my busy schedules and all I have, has been a distraction to me. Somewhere along my journey of living life I lost my path. I am not even sure when or how it happened. Here I stand so far from where I want to be or where I thought I was. I am flooded with unexpected emotions, like thankfulness and relief. What if I had continued my life headed in the wrong direction? A burst of joy, true joy starts to bubble up from deep inside. And once again I am in awe. And once again I owe it all to Jesus, the one who loves me and pursues me, even when I have lost my way.

For about the last 12 months I have struggled with fatigue. I have had days that I just could not find the energy to complete my daily task. Although I have always loved naps, this new level of exhaustion was not normal. I became a mom at the age of 18 and for the last 24 years I have had a child in diapers! Energy is a necessity. Certain I had an unknown medical problem, I scheduled an appointment for a checkup and blood work. The results; low vitamin D, low iron. There was no serious medical problem. Was it possible I was just tired?

I started to make a list in my head of all of my daily responsibilities. I started to list all the things I do for others, serving at church, serving my family, even trying to serve my community. I found myself feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. How did I get here? And what if I can’t or don’t want to continue fulfilling these commitments?

I think this is where I started to wander off the path. I took my eyes off Jesus. I became discontent. I lost track of who and why I serve? Just as Galatians 6:9 warns against, I had become weary in well doing. I was just busy being busy.

A few weeks before we were scheduled to leave for Haiti I found myself bogged down with a seemingly endless list of responsibilities and commitments. As I tried to explain to my husband my fear of these impossible tasks, I started to feel as if I couldn’t breathe. At first it was just a pain in my chest. I began to panic. I quickly found myself on the floor gasping for air. Praying to my Heavenly Father, I begged him to help me. Not just at this desperate moment, but in this entire situation. I prayed for strength to complete what needed to be done. I prayed for wisdom to know the difference between what He would have me to do and what I felt needed to be done; His will verses my own will.

The weeks following I pushed forward. I felt as if I was in a daily race, rushing from commitment to commitment, basically, my normal. Thankfully, the day before our trip I found myself with some unexpected quiet time. I began to read in Matthew 5, “...Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Nothing I had been doing had been good, nor would it glorify my Father. The more I thought about it, the more I knew it hadn’t been good in a long time. At that moment I began to weep. “Lord, forgive me! Use this trip to change me. Renew a right spirit in me. Help me to see through your eyes. Help me to love like you love. Please, give me the energy and passion to finish my race strong. I want to bring you glory with my life.”

He answered.

As we drove up the dirt road, I saw beautiful, little, brown faces smiling back at me. I found myself overwhelmed with love for them. We were headed up a rugged, winding, mountain side road. The higher we went, the more emotional I felt. My husband and I were traveling in a truck driven by the founders of Elevating Christian Ministries, James and his wife Sarah. During our travel time together, they had been sharing their testimony of how God had pursued them even when they had lost their focus on Him. They shared their God story. I listened intently as they told of the circumstances that brought them to Haiti, and how they had just decided to say, “Yes,” to God and trust in Him. Recently they had built a church at the top of this mountain. We were headed to check on the progress of some new school benches being built, offer help with those benches and play with the school children that lived there. I was amazed as we reached the little church; on a hill, on top of a mountain! It was a beautiful sight. As we climbed the trail to the church, we saw child after child come out of the bushes to greet us. We received friendly smiles from every person we encountered. We did not speak the same language, but I felt as if I could communicate with them through our eyes and smiles. I fought to hold back my tears as I quickly saw how poor this little community was. Their need was so great and their position on this mountain made their situation seem impossible to improve, hopeless. Even if they had the money or resources, how would they ever get it up this mountain? Yet, here stood a wonderful, cement and brick building, being used as a school and a church! Right next to the building there was also a bread oven, where these children were given nourishing bread every day. Their basic needs were being met and God was being given all the glory. I was reminded of the song, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. The words of this song played in my head as I soaked in everything around me.

“Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me”
“O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah”
“There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me”

Our good God had led us to climb this mountain to show His love to these people. He had been pursuing James and Sarah when they least expected it. He then put a desire in their hearts to partner with these Haitian people to build a church in the most difficult place! It was a life changing day for me. As I stood in the open field, behind the church, on top of the hill, I watch this amazing God story unfolding before my eyes. And He whispered the words of Psalms 139 to me. Our loving God, who knows us and pursues us despite of who we are, can take our brokenness and turn it into His glory! So here we were at the top of this mountain, having the privilege and great honor of being the representatives of God our Father. For this brief moment in our lives we had the amazing opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ to these children. It was NO burden! It was a glorious occasion! Our team was showing His love! A bunch of the guys were playing soccer. Others in our team were painting nails, painting faces, hugging children, holding little hands, passing out lollipop treats and glow rings; all in the name of Jesus.

I had been joined by a little group of only 8 children. We began to play with a rainbow parachute. As we marched around in circles, singing, I began to thank God for using me in His story. Wow! I get to be part of His story! So, there we were marching and laughing together. We would raise the parachute above our heads and then duck under to hide in our little, rainbow tent. While we hid in our tent I would break off little pieces of snacks that I had in my bag and pass them to my 8 friends. They would giggle with joy and then we would stand up and march again, raising our parachute, and then returning to our little “hiding place,” tent. Each time I was able to share something else, my mints, then my water, and each time they laughed with smiles as big as their faces, I would tell them why I was there, “Jezi renmen ou!” Jesus loves you! That was the first Creole phrase we were taught. We had been repeating it several times a day as we traveled through the Country. For the first time during my trip I really believed it! Those words had power. Despite the poverty, the hardships, and the list of impossibles, Jesus does love you!!! His life was living proof. He knows poverty. He knows about hardships. He knows all too well about the seemingly impossible. He lived it here on earth too! But then He rose again to give us hope! This life on earth is not the end of the story. It is just part of it!

So I stand here, back at home, surrounded by my family and responsibilities, but now I am filled with joy. Joy, because my Heavenly Father continues to pursue me, continues to mold me, and continues to give me the great honor of being part of His plan. He does love me! And I am thankful that He didn’t leave me when I had lost my way. I am relieved to know that He doesn’t just pursue me but He also pursues those that I love, the ones that may have lost their way, the one still searching for Him and the ones that aren’t even searching. Today I am filled with hope. I am excited to move forward. I am encouraged. I see my path and I head towards Jesus. I want to focus on Him. I am sure the day will come that I will find myself discouraged, maybe off the path again. My God is so so kind to me, He is the faithful one. He found me in that field, on that hill, on top of a mountain, in the country of Haiti. And He reminded who I serve and why I serve Him!

1 Corinthians 15:58
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”

Jill