Son, I care most about your soul.

A few weeks ago I was in our kitchen grinding wheat berries for homemade bread, listening to some old music, “it may be the Devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody…” My son came in with a grin on his face, “Been talking to mom about tattoos...”

The day had finally arrived. One of my kids wants a tattoo and he’s old enough to get it. In my head the battle began to rage, “Why does he want a tattoo? I wish he would wait. Does God like us marking our bodies? ‘Your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost.’ Seemingly everyone has a tattoo. Be different. Be rebellious by NOT getting a tattoo. One tattoo will lead to another and another. From one sleeve to another sleeve to a full eagle up your neck. Please avoid the neck and face man! Wait until you mature. Wisdom didn’t get me until I was 28. That’s about the time most men begin to wise up. Wait until you’re 28 son and be sure God is OK with it...”

All that came out was, “Oh yea?” He replied, “Yea, I’m thinking about a Bowie.”

“A Bowie? Like David Bowie?” I responded with a big smile, thinking, “This is going to be interesting. Why does my son like David Bowie? 18-year olds like David Bowie? David Bowie is a thing? I can’t remember any David Bowie songs.” He explained what it was and where it goes and why he wanted it.

My thoughts drifted back to memories of sitting out back on the covered patio with my grandfather, enjoying the Adirondack summer, swatting ants with a fly swatter as they crawled in and out of the cracks in the patio concrete. “You know, if you leave a dead ant lying there, other ants will come get it before morning?” Pa would look at my ankle where you can see the faded remnants of a tattoo that I got when I was a teenager, and ask, “Is that real?” I responded the same way every time, “No, it’s temporary.” He would just slowly nod his head in response. He could never understand why anyone would want to mark their body. It wasn’t because the Bible said anything about it. He didn’t know what the Bible said about it. He just thought it was a bad idea. I would smile thinking about a grown man putting one of those fake tattoos on his ankle. And then I would feel insecure and not masculine because real men have tattoos on their arms, around their muscles, not on their ankles. Real men have muscles. Real men have good posture. Real men do a lot of things awesome and I’m not awesome. I have a tattoo on my ankle and it’s a heart... Then I would jump up and play basketball or cut trees or shoot something to take away that awful feeling. I remember my grandfather didn’t like men wearing earrings much either. I remember talking about Michael Jordan. He’d shake his head and say, “What a great basketball player... but why does he have to wear those earrings?” Still makes me smile. He was never angry or negative about anything. It was always just matter of fact, calm and conversational.

I remember the weekend I got the silly tattoo. It was a tattoo party at a house in town. This lady setup shop in the living room and did tattoos for cash or pills. Who knows how clean the equipment was. The last guy probably had a little bit of everybody in him. Why did I get a tattoo that day? I really don’t remember. (I think it must have had something to do with Jill Petty.) It was an opportunity. One of countless opportunities I have had to make a decision in my life. To weigh the options, the pros and cons, and determine what I thought was best. Man have I made some terrible decisions in my life. If my grandfather had not thought tattoos were a bad idea – would I have gotten more?

I like to say, “I really don’t care where my kids end up going to church, who they end up marrying, where they end up going to school, living, or working. All I really care about is their relationship with God. Are they saved and living a life of repentance and faith? Then everything else will fall in to place according to the will of God in their lives.” I repeat this often, especially to parents, not only because I believe it but because it’s a message of hope. You can see the look of perspective fall all over their countenance. It’s as if I just made their day, “That is what I am going to pray for also.”

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4)

I’m not at all saying we should let our kids do whatever they want because we did crazy stuff or everyone else is doing it or we want to be their bestest friend or it seems easier. I am not called to be their best friend and right is right and wrong is wrong. Setting the bar of expectations as high as you can get it, consistency, accountability, rebuke, correction, and integrity are paramount. I think we should all be sure we are loving our precious little ones’ souls. I ought to be prioritizing their souls above my reputation and selfish way of life. I don’t believe that our kids are “just gonna be who they are gonna be.” I don’t tell myself, “Do the best you can and hope for the best. They are gonna be who they are gonna be. Don’t beat yourself up man - none of these things are your fault.” If what I do while they are in my care has little impact on who they become as adults then why bother training them well? Why stress man? They’re little hoodlums because that’s what God wanted, right?

I wrestle with how to handle these things and then I second guess my words and my actions for days. I am going to stand before God one day soon and give an account for my life. I can be an idiot. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and insecure. I can be a hypocrite. I can be awesome and wise sometimes when the Lord gets ahold of me. My kids see all of it. The highs, the lows, the times of pure joy and the times I sulk, sucking my thumb, whining like a fool.

“But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.” (Matthew 12:36)

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things [done] in [his] body, according to that he hath done, whether [it be] good or bad.” (2 Corinthians 5:10)

I believe He will tell me then if how I handled these things with my children was best. I believe that I am a trainer not a forcer. God doesn’t force me to believe. I can’t force my children to believe. I am called to train them and train them well.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22;6)

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

If only I could instill the ability to be a critical thinker and wise decision maker in to all of my little ones before they leave my care. The pinnacle of great parenting. Allowing my children to find their way while I am there to help guide and cushion and the decisions are not life changing and harmful. My children need to witness me making good choices.

Another thing I say a lot is, “The book has yet to be completed for each of my kids.” This is a source of encouragement and caution. Caution for those who think their kids are all that, “practically perfect in every way”, right now. Encouragement for those who are burdened by the not so awesome situations they find their kids in, even eternal danger. A great man of God shared this with me back when I was a newborn Christian looking around at the well-behaved kids in the church. I remember saying, “They must be well-behaved because their parents are doing everything right.” This man cautioned me that they may or may not be doing everything right but don’t use how well-behaved their kids are doing now in public as the soul means to determine that. “The book has yet to be completed.” This simple reality has been used by our Lord in my life ever since. When we get proud of how well our little ones are doing spiritually, rejoice and remember, “The book is yet to be completed bro…”

I know men who have freaked out and done some crazy things when their kids made poor decisions. Some disowned their children. Some shamed them publicly. Some took away their car and kicked them out. Some said some really awful things that can never be blotted out. Others never put boundaries in place for their children and are largely responsible for some of the problems their kids have today. Some made the boundaries so tight that their adult children have no idea how to navigate. Some parents do a lot of crappy things and wonder why their kids are a little smutty.

I don’t want my kids to be exactly like me. I have to deal with a lot of crap in my heart, mind, and soul because of the many poor decisions I have made. I absolutely want them to avoid most of what has made me me. Sometimes I wish we were all walking together, arms locked, with the same purpose and passions. Sometimes I even get a little jealous thinking about those fathers who have sons that idolize them. Sons that do everything according to their father’s will. That look up at their father and think - my dad is an awesome man. Not a “not bad” dad but a father all young men deserve. “He’s not a dude… he is a man. a handsome, muscular man.”

You know, I can’t remember ever witnessing a good father train his son. It’s a strange thing to me. I can’t remember one time ever. If I have seen some great parenting - it did not burn itself anywhere in my brain. Every interaction I can remember were public interactions that were tempered. Some memories are pretty bad. One could say the fathers were being real jerks. I have many examples of what not to do. Role models for good parenting have been absent from my life. I must know good fathers – I just miss their awesome parenting moments because they are private things.

I witnessed a grandpa kneel down to speak to my sons once when they were little. He was a retired man who I worked with. He invited us fishing. I can remember most of the day. This manly man knelt down to help my sons as kindly as I have ever seen. He gently spoke to them as he trained them. I have been trying to find that beautiful love like a grandfather’s love ever since that day. Take the time to really observe a good grandpa and his little ones. I believe this is what our Lord’s love should look like flowing through us to our children. Why don’t fathers have this love more? It must be lack of wisdom. Lord, help us to get wisdom.

Maybe I should care more about tattoos and earrings and the such like. A thought that always swirls around my head is that a tattoo-less child in Hell may have avoided ink but is still separated from our Lord forever. Of course I want pure, innocent, holy, righteous, God fearing sons and daughters – from their first breath until their time on Earth is done – from the inside out. I have no desire to polish turds. I don’t believe this is a passive position to avoid conflict. I am striving for a parenting lifestyle that loves mercy, demonstrates grace and ultimately leads them to Christ. Sometimes we need to be incredibly transparent, direct, and stern, even meddling and controlling at times, but I think we need to be sure we’re playing those cards when danger is most imminent.

I was able to look my son in the eyes that day and, as lovingly as I know how say, “I want you to know that although I think you should wait a while to be sure you really want to mark your skin forever, what matters most is what God thinks. I want you to know that the most important thing to me is your soul. Your health and safety and spiritual growth matter to me. I pray that you would love the Lord with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. I care about all of the other things in your life but what matters most is our relationship with God. I care most about your soul.”

He nodded his head up and down, “Yea, and you can’t tattoo your soul, right?”

I smiled, “Yea. I guess not.” I suppose you can tattoo your soul in the spiritual sense. You can mark yourself forever by the decisions you make and Jesus can mark us forever with His promises but getting a physical tattoo will not separate my son from God in Hell. God ponders the heart. You can’t fool God. If we are most concerned about what’s inside then the outside will look like God wants it to look like.

Today it’s earrings and tattoos. Tomorrow it will be something else. As much as we want to get inside to make all of their decisions for them and wrestle their soul in to submission - they are writing their chapters of their life now. You and I have to keep our eyes upon Jesus and spend our time in our prayer closets begging God to send them preachers and to do what only He can do in the hearts of men.

“Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.” (Luke 15:10)

Peter