His Abounding Love

Recently after doing something boneheaded, Jill told me, “I think you have always loved me just because it was the right thing to do.” I paused for a long moment, which is what I do when my wife is in distress. Sometimes I’m not exactly sure what to say. I am mature enough now to think on my responses. My wife will remember whatever is about to come out of my mouth for the rest of her life. My immediate response in my head was, “Of course, duty is part of love.”

A statement like that kick in the gut from your wife will make a man stop and think about some things, eh? What is reality for me? Not the picture I want everyone to have of me. Not the man I see when I avoid mirrors. Not even what I do to be sure I’m looking good. What is the truth deep down in the cockles of my heart? Am I truly, madly, passionately in love with my bride or am I simply doing the right thing because to do otherwise would be embarrassing? Do I love Jill or am I living out an obligation?

During the first few weeks of my college career I found out my girlfriend was pregnant (link). I do remember an overwhelming desire or obligation to get serious and do the right thing. I had to wake up and be responsible but what did I really know about truly loving someone at that time in my life? My life was consumed by seeking thrills. I used words to manipulate the world around me. I got serious about two things - getting straight A’s in college/getting a degree and being a family no matter what. I remember being asked, “Are you sure you want to buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?” I borrowed money for an engagement ring and asked Jill to marry me on Christmas day 1993. Jill was quite pregnant at the time. She said yes and we continued our journey. My first son was born in May and we got married in August of 1994. I loved her to my definition of love. I was definitely going to do the right thing.

A few months ago, Jill could finally put in to words why she does not like Marriage Conferences and asked me to never make her go to another one (unless I am teaching, of course :). Almost every speaker spends some time exploring, “Remember when you were first dating? When you were first married? Remember the romance? Remember how all you wanted to do was sweep her off her feet and do anything for her? Remember how you would make all of his favorite meals? Remember how totally awesome courting was and how awesome your wedding day was and how in love you were – and you demonstrated that love in countless actions? Remember your honeymoon?” This turns over some old soil for us.

When I sit through all of that I think things like, “To be young and not fat is so nice. Charity covers a multitude of sins! I am just thankful I survived and thankful for Jesus. Courting? I didn’t even know what that meant when I was kid. I didn’t ‘court’ anyone. I would have been laughed at and scorned if I had said, ‘Jill and I are courting now.’ (Especially after Jill was pregnant). Most of the details of our ‘courting’ are long forgotten unless someone mentions them to me.” Frankly, I just want to be awesome now.

Jill on the other hand is not as dismissive of the impact that time had on her life and our life together. It hurts. It hurts because, for her, there was no blissful time of romance. She married a broken buffoon. There was no awesome wedding. There was indeed a wedding but it was not awesome. It was a down pouring, hot, muggy, wreck your 80’s hair day, all day. It was a miserable day for her. I like to joke with people that a woman married us – so I’m not sure if it counts. My wife went home with our son without me from our wedding reception. I came home some time later. I really don’t remember it. As much as I really hate to admit this nasty fact (this is the first time I have ever told anyone ever) – that could easily be the description of our marriage until 2003 – Jill was home caring for the children and Peter comes home when he wants to. This was an incredibly painful time for Jill and the hurt comes back when circumstances open the wounds of yesteryear. As you can see the good old days were not so good for Jill. Being reminded of them is not the best of times either. Even with forgiveness it is very hard to forget. There has never been a honeymoon.

The Bible, in Proverbs 4:16 says, “For they sleep not, except they have done mischief…”. This was me. I had a very hard time pillowing my head without being a rascal – without doing something I ought not to be doing. I was by all accounts a happy rascal. I didn’t physically or verbally abuse anyone. I was having fun and hoping to survive. Jill loves her children. She made sure that our home was healthy for our children when I was unhealthy. I would make sure my home was “OK” then go do whatever I wanted. Then in 2003, after a series of fortunate events that Jill will share in some other blog post, I was led to finally understand what repentance meant. I understood at that time that Jesus died for me. I understood that He took the penalty of my sin. I understood that He would transform my life. And finally, after 28 years of life I understood that if I truly and genuinely turned from me to Him and humbled myself before him and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior – he would draw nigh to me and He would do what only He can do – give me new life in Him. From that point forward, I believe I have been born again and I also believe I have genuinely loved my wife. That love for her has continually improved and matured as my understanding of what it means has evolved.

“Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Christianity is the only worldview that teaches a new birth - a transformed life - God himself changing you from the inside out. Not a superficial, whitewashing of the outside but a supernatural bolt of God quickening me from death to life. “I’m alive in Him!” The incredible transformation in my life proved this reality to me. I am a new man. When no one else is around. When I can do whatever I want to do and no one but God will know about it - I care about God. I care about what God wants me to do. The battle may rage at times as my enemies attack me but I know that I am never alone and Jesus is more powerful than my enemies.

The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” (Ephesians 5:25-28)

God wants me to love Jill with the same love, devotion, passion, and sacrifice that Jesus had for us when he sacrificed himself for us. Not only does He want me to love Jill this way but He empowers me to do it. God is making me a better husband. One day at a time. One correction at a time. One hard dose of His love at a time. If you’re a Christian then you know what that means. His love flowing through me to His daughter.

I believe that if you have been together any length of time you know exactly how your bride experiences or feels love. We know. We don’t need seminars and books. My wife wants to feel loved by the way I look at her – the way I hug her – the way I kiss her – the way I put her above the other people in my life – the way I speak to her - the way I make her feel secure – the way I clean the house – the way I wash, fold, and put away the laundry – the way I correct her - the way I shovel the driveway - the way I till the garden - the way I treat and train our little ones - the way I react to everything - the way I pray for her - the way I support her in her zeal for God – the way I listen to her – the way I cock my shotgun – the way I cherish her. Lukewarm behavior is gross with God and it’s gross with our wives.

After I got saved my eyes were no longer everywhere and anywhere they wanted to wander. My desire to see my wife fulfilled in mind, body, soul, and spirit were realities that I felt. These were no longer things that I had to do to keep peace in my home. They were part of my identity in Christ. They were part of my life in Christ. Our love and intimacy are beautiful. Our Lord is very interested in how we treat his daughters.

I continue to overcome all of the failures in my life, especially those in my marriage. Compassion has never been my strength. Over the years I have said and done some crazy things. I have scars to remind me of them. I did something to Jill once and she asked God to intervene and give me a glimpse of her pain. Later that night I woke up sicker than a dog rushing to the bathroom. Sitting in the bathroom I puked all over the floor and either passed out and hit my head on the iron steam radiator or fell and hit my head then passed out. Either way I blacked out for some time - finally coming out of it to Jill screaming for me to wake up. I was soaked in puke naked on the floor with a silver dollar sized slice of my forehead missing. I don’t even remember what I did or what I said to Jill that day but I can’t forget the fact that Jill was unloved in that moment. I have a mark.

“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.” (Hebrews 12:6)

I remember an old preacher saying, “When I’m over the great white porcelain throne puking my guts out I beg God, ‘What did I do? Tell me so I can repent and stop this horrible pain.’” That car accident. That loss of job. That flu that has you feeling like death. That sickness that comes upon you. That major home repair or car repair or the dead washing machine. Have you ever stopped and cried out to God - is this a result of my sin towards you? Am I loving my wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it or am I being a selfish punk? Please show me. Please help me. Is it a coincidence or not?

When Jill gets depressed and is not feeling loved and goes as far as to say, “I think you have always loved me just because it was the right thing to do,” I can tell her with as much confidence and zeal that I have, “You are wrong my love. You are tremendously wrong my love. Doing what is right is still a healthy part of loving you but our Lord has made it much more than that. Not only am I physically attracted to you in every way but I am madly in love with your compassion, your cry for justice, your undying, unselfish, love and care for your children, the sound of your voice, your wonderful skin, your smell (warm vanilla sugar or not) and your patience with me. I love being with you. Our Lord has used you to mold me. We are cleaved because of Him. I want to cherish you with every part of my being. Your love is intoxicating.” Am I right guys?

Jill did not say this just to make a point or take a jab at me or manipulate me. She was feeling unloved in that moment. Because of headaches and pains and hormones and circumstances and ministry obligations, she was not having a good week. After 24 years of marriage I need to recognize much faster how to navigate this minefield and be sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my bride is loved and feels loved.

When my father in law arrived in Indian Lake for our wedding – he entered the room and with a giant grin on his face said, “I brought the shotgun!” If Christ had not saved me - if I had not been born again - that would define my life and marriage: “shotgun”. Praise the Lord that is not what defines us. Will Jill’s pain go away? I’m not sure. But I am determined to drown it all out with my love.

For those husbands who haven’t been born again, God is calling you to him. He wants you to love like He loves. Wives of these dear men - I’m praying along with you that your husbands will come to repentance and faith. For those husbands who claim to be men of God but continue to fall in to sinful behavior and treat their wives poorly - there is Hope for you also. It may come in the form of a painful correction but it will come if you repent. Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you. Victory is that close. For those who are doing well and not only know how to love their brides well but actually do it - for Pete’s sake disciple other men. Lord, please prepare us and open doors that we would be good stewards with what you have given us and teach others.

You may think loving your wife is really hard. Sometimes I suck my thumb and feel sorry for myself. I don’t know your situation but if an undisciplined, unloving, uncaring, selfish, broken, buffoon like me can grow then anyone can.

How? What’s the formula for loving my wife like Christ loved the church? It starts with humility. It starts with sacrifice. It starts looking in the mirror and asking God to do what only He can do. What are we afraid of men? An awesome Christ centered marriage filled with fireworks? Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you. Pray through Psalm 51.

Practically - I can recommend one awesome piece of advice from our Lord that could help a lot - “contrariwise blessing” (1 Peter 3:8). Always respond with blessing no matter what.

And as always - Is my life reflecting scripture? The Bible is filled with wisdom regarding how we ought to love one another.

Peter

A few weeks ago I was in our kitchen grinding wheat berries for homemade bread, listening to some old music, “it may be the Devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody…” My son came in with a grin on his face, “Been talking to mom about tattoos...”

The day had finally arrived. One of my kids wants a tattoo and he’s old enough to get it. In my head the battle began to rage, “Why does he want a tattoo? I wish he would wait. Does God like us marking our bodies? ‘Your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost.’ Seemingly everyone has a tattoo. Be different. Be rebellious by NOT getting a tattoo. One tattoo will lead to another and another. From one sleeve to another sleeve to a full eagle up your neck. Please avoid the neck and face man! Wait until you mature. Wisdom didn’t get me until I was 28. That’s about the time most men begin to wise up. Wait until you’re 28 son and be sure God is OK with it...”

All that came out was, “Oh yea?” He replied, “Yea, I’m thinking about a Bowie.”

“A Bowie? Like David Bowie?” I responded with a big smile, thinking, “This is going to be interesting. Why does my son like David Bowie? 18-year olds like David Bowie? David Bowie is a thing? I can’t remember any David Bowie songs.” He explained what it was and where it goes and why he wanted it.

My thoughts drifted back to memories of sitting out back on the covered patio with my grandfather, enjoying the Adirondack summer, swatting ants with a fly swatter as they crawled in and out of the cracks in the patio concrete. “You know, if you leave a dead ant lying there, other ants will come get it before morning?” Pa would look at my ankle where you can see the faded remnants of a tattoo that I got when I was a teenager, and ask, “Is that real?” I responded the same way every time, “No, it’s temporary.” He would just slowly nod his head in response. He could never understand why anyone would want to mark their body. It wasn’t because the Bible said anything about it. He didn’t know what the Bible said about it. He just thought it was a bad idea. I would smile thinking about a grown man putting one of those fake tattoos on his ankle. And then I would feel insecure and not masculine because real men have tattoos on their arms, around their muscles, not on their ankles. Real men have muscles. Real men have good posture. Real men do a lot of things awesome and I’m not awesome. I have a tattoo on my ankle and it’s a heart... Then I would jump up and play basketball or cut trees or shoot something to take away that awful feeling. I remember my grandfather didn’t like men wearing earrings much either. I remember talking about Michael Jordan. He’d shake his head and say, “What a great basketball player... but why does he have to wear those earrings?” Still makes me smile. He was never angry or negative about anything. It was always just matter of fact, calm and conversational.

I remember the weekend I got the silly tattoo. It was a tattoo party at a house in town. This lady setup shop in the living room and did tattoos for cash or pills. Who knows how clean the equipment was. The last guy probably had a little bit of everybody in him. Why did I get a tattoo that day? I really don’t remember. (I think it must have had something to do with Jill Petty.) It was an opportunity. One of countless opportunities I have had to make a decision in my life. To weigh the options, the pros and cons, and determine what I thought was best. Man have I made some terrible decisions in my life. If my grandfather had not thought tattoos were a bad idea – would I have gotten more?

I like to say, “I really don’t care where my kids end up going to church, who they end up marrying, where they end up going to school, living, or working. All I really care about is their relationship with God. Are they saved and living a life of repentance and faith? Then everything else will fall in to place according to the will of God in their lives.” I repeat this often, especially to parents, not only because I believe it but because it’s a message of hope. You can see the look of perspective fall all over their countenance. It’s as if I just made their day, “That is what I am going to pray for also.”

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4)

I’m not at all saying we should let our kids do whatever they want because we did crazy stuff or everyone else is doing it or we want to be their bestest friend or it seems easier. I am not called to be their best friend and right is right and wrong is wrong. Setting the bar of expectations as high as you can get it, consistency, accountability, rebuke, correction, and integrity are paramount. I think we should all be sure we are loving our precious little ones’ souls. I ought to be prioritizing their souls above my reputation and selfish way of life. I don’t believe that our kids are “just gonna be who they are gonna be.” I don’t tell myself, “Do the best you can and hope for the best. They are gonna be who they are gonna be. Don’t beat yourself up man - none of these things are your fault.” If what I do while they are in my care has little impact on who they become as adults then why bother training them well? Why stress man? They’re little hoodlums because that’s what God wanted, right?

I wrestle with how to handle these things and then I second guess my words and my actions for days. I am going to stand before God one day soon and give an account for my life. I can be an idiot. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and insecure. I can be a hypocrite. I can be awesome and wise sometimes when the Lord gets ahold of me. My kids see all of it. The highs, the lows, the times of pure joy and the times I sulk, sucking my thumb, whining like a fool.

“But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.” (Matthew 12:36)

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things [done] in [his] body, according to that he hath done, whether [it be] good or bad.” (2 Corinthians 5:10)

I believe He will tell me then if how I handled these things with my children was best. I believe that I am a trainer not a forcer. God doesn’t force me to believe. I can’t force my children to believe. I am called to train them and train them well.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22;6)

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

If only I could instill the ability to be a critical thinker and wise decision maker in to all of my little ones before they leave my care. The pinnacle of great parenting. Allowing my children to find their way while I am there to help guide and cushion and the decisions are not life changing and harmful. My children need to witness me making good choices.

Another thing I say a lot is, “The book has yet to be completed for each of my kids.” This is a source of encouragement and caution. Caution for those who think their kids are all that, “practically perfect in every way”, right now. Encouragement for those who are burdened by the not so awesome situations they find their kids in, even eternal danger. A great man of God shared this with me back when I was a newborn Christian looking around at the well-behaved kids in the church. I remember saying, “They must be well-behaved because their parents are doing everything right.” This man cautioned me that they may or may not be doing everything right but don’t use how well-behaved their kids are doing now in public as the soul means to determine that. “The book has yet to be completed.” This simple reality has been used by our Lord in my life ever since. When we get proud of how well our little ones are doing spiritually, rejoice and remember, “The book is yet to be completed bro…”

I know men who have freaked out and done some crazy things when their kids made poor decisions. Some disowned their children. Some shamed them publicly. Some took away their car and kicked them out. Some said some really awful things that can never be blotted out. Others never put boundaries in place for their children and are largely responsible for some of the problems their kids have today. Some made the boundaries so tight that their adult children have no idea how to navigate. Some parents do a lot of crappy things and wonder why their kids are a little smutty.

I don’t want my kids to be exactly like me. I have to deal with a lot of crap in my heart, mind, and soul because of the many poor decisions I have made. I absolutely want them to avoid most of what has made me me. Sometimes I wish we were all walking together, arms locked, with the same purpose and passions. Sometimes I even get a little jealous thinking about those fathers who have sons that idolize them. Sons that do everything according to their father’s will. That look up at their father and think - my dad is an awesome man. Not a “not bad” dad but a father all young men deserve. “He’s not a dude… he is a man. a handsome, muscular man.”

You know, I can’t remember ever witnessing a good father train his son. It’s a strange thing to me. I can’t remember one time ever. If I have seen some great parenting - it did not burn itself anywhere in my brain. Every interaction I can remember were public interactions that were tempered. Some memories are pretty bad. One could say the fathers were being real jerks. I have many examples of what not to do. Role models for good parenting have been absent from my life. I must know good fathers – I just miss their awesome parenting moments because they are private things.

I witnessed a grandpa kneel down to speak to my sons once when they were little. He was a retired man who I worked with. He invited us fishing. I can remember most of the day. This manly man knelt down to help my sons as kindly as I have ever seen. He gently spoke to them as he trained them. I have been trying to find that beautiful love like a grandfather’s love ever since that day. Take the time to really observe a good grandpa and his little ones. I believe this is what our Lord’s love should look like flowing through us to our children. Why don’t fathers have this love more? It must be lack of wisdom. Lord, help us to get wisdom.

Maybe I should care more about tattoos and earrings and the such like. A thought that always swirls around my head is that a tattoo-less child in Hell may have avoided ink but is still separated from our Lord forever. Of course I want pure, innocent, holy, righteous, God fearing sons and daughters – from their first breath until their time on Earth is done – from the inside out. I have no desire to polish turds. I don’t believe this is a passive position to avoid conflict. I am striving for a parenting lifestyle that loves mercy, demonstrates grace and ultimately leads them to Christ. Sometimes we need to be incredibly transparent, direct, and stern, even meddling and controlling at times, but I think we need to be sure we’re playing those cards when danger is most imminent.

I was able to look my son in the eyes that day and, as lovingly as I know how say, “I want you to know that although I think you should wait a while to be sure you really want to mark your skin forever, what matters most is what God thinks. I want you to know that the most important thing to me is your soul. Your health and safety and spiritual growth matter to me. I pray that you would love the Lord with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. I care about all of the other things in your life but what matters most is our relationship with God. I care most about your soul.”

He nodded his head up and down, “Yea, and you can’t tattoo your soul, right?”

I smiled, “Yea. I guess not.” I suppose you can tattoo your soul in the spiritual sense. You can mark yourself forever by the decisions you make and Jesus can mark us forever with His promises but getting a physical tattoo will not separate my son from God in Hell. God ponders the heart. You can’t fool God. If we are most concerned about what’s inside then the outside will look like God wants it to look like.

Today it’s earrings and tattoos. Tomorrow it will be something else. As much as we want to get inside to make all of their decisions for them and wrestle their soul in to submission - they are writing their chapters of their life now. You and I have to keep our eyes upon Jesus and spend our time in our prayer closets begging God to send them preachers and to do what only He can do in the hearts of men.

“Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.” (Luke 15:10)

Peter

“I brought the shotgun!” (Happy Valentine's Day!)

Son, I care most about your soul.